


3i - A Success Story

by Enigel



Category: Undisclosed Fandom, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Background Carlos/Cecil - Freeform, Crossover, Episode Style, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-06
Updated: 2015-01-06
Packaged: 2018-03-06 09:00:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3128774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enigel/pseuds/Enigel





	3i - A Success Story

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GhostJ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostJ/gifts).



Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. Dinnertime is a shared hallucination. Mountain time is a filthy, filthy lie, perpetuated by mountain believers.

Welcome to Night Vale.

 

Dear listeners, last night a new telephone booth was installed in our beautiful, well-run city. We're not entirely sure _why_ , as Night Vale already has a functional telephone booth that no one uses, but perhaps someone complained about the lack of choice of which phone booth not to use when not making a phonecall.

This one is tall, oblong, painted a deep and unnatural shade of blue (if you believe in long-discredited concepts such as 'nature' and 'blue'). Old Woman Josie reported that one of her so-called "angelic" friends reported that the object initially emitted a few soft, melodious sounds, but is now loudly and discordantly silent.

The Sheriff's Secret Police issued a statement saying that the color and external consistency of the box are in direct violation of construction codes, which require that at least 90% of the surface be transparent, in order for the Secret Policepersons to monitor communications unhindered. "You can't get quality lip-reading from satellite scanners, people, it's just basic manners," the Sheriff's Secret Police secret representative allegedly said. "Also, that bow tie looks _terrible_ on you," they presumably added.

More on this story as it develops, but now, let's have a look at the Community Calendar.

 

Wednesday to Friday will pass in a blur of forgettable conversations and burnt dinners, apart from that one perfect wheat-free pancake you will make after everyone is already full. Why were you making pancakes for dinner?

Saturday and Sunday will be happening right on schedule. Don't say City Council never did anything for you! No, seriously, _never_ say that. It would hurt their feelings pretty badly.

Monday, Carlos has a day off work; he will be doing the groceries, puttering around the house, and cooking a delicious dinner for two. Mmm, can't _wait_ for Monday.

Tuesday, a great shade will descend from the skies and settle over the empty parking lot behind the Ralph's. Do not attempt to engage the shade in conversation. It really doesn't know when to stop talking.

 

More news on the new phone booth, dear listeners.

Alert citizens have reported seeing a man and a woman in the proximity of the booth, acting _very_ suspiciously. They are going into the booth, and coming out of it, and generally behaving as if they own it when in fact, alert citizens report, they are clearly not from Night Vale.

Several of Old Woman Josie's friends, specifically a number of those who are _coincidentally_ all named Erika, went to investigate this colorful addition to Night Vale. The man became very agitated in the presence of the tall, smiling not-angels, but calmed down after waving a pen-like object at them.

The Sheriff's Secret Police, investigating this possible violation of the ban on writing utensils, have declared that the object is "Eh, just a sonic screwdriver. Just the flashy, 'oh look at me I'm writing - oh wait I'm not' kind of thing you'd expect from a tourist, really."

 

And now, a word from our sponsor.

That word is _pond_.

 

Carlos - beautiful, clever, scientifically insatiable Carlos - has also been investigating the phone booth. He says that in addition to the irregular color and outward composition, the wooden box also presents several other non-standard features that declare it, at best, a really bad counterfeiting attempt, such as containing a vast poorly disguised multi-dimensional non-Euclidean space, and a swimming pool.

"And at worst?" I asked, because it is my duty as a radio host to get as much of the story as there is story to be gotten, and not because of the interesting things Carlos' voice does when he's discussing scientifically fascinating phenomena in complex scientific terminology.

"At worst, it is a scientifically offensive paradox that could bring about the unravelling of all things," Carlos said. "But I don't think it's her turn to do that, no."

"Her?" I asked, thinking about the woman that had been seen around the contraption.

"Oh, the fake phone booth. She's sentient, of course. She says she's only stopped over for a snack from the rift. And just in time, as the rift was about to burst open into the weekend! I'd have hated to miss this Saturday, Cecil. You remember what day is this Saturday, riight?" Carlos said, his voice turning sweet with innuendo.

Ah, ahem. Yes, yes, I do. So I said, ah, I say to you now, the weather!

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSc3JD09l2c

 

Welcome back, listeners, as we emerge again from the weather, as we have done so many times before - calmer, together, lessons learned and dutifully forgotten.

The City Council, speaking in unison, have declared today a success.

That's all they said, "A. Success." sooo... that's great, right?

The regulation-defying blue box has disappeared, leaving behind the faint echo of its discordant silence. For a few moments. Then even that faded away, and we are left once again with a single booth to ignore when making a phone call from our preferred mobile device.

Tune in next for a karaoke rendition of the popular talent show Your Ringtone Sucks, featuring a plastic oboe, three retired Nintendo DSs, and a last generation vuvuzela. Good night, Night Vale, good night.

 

Today's proverb: 3:14 is the perfect time.


End file.
